It's strange to think that a year ago today, I was still going to college in Texas. Change is inevitable...and change can come on so quickly. One day you're enjoying the company of friends and not worrying about all the bills or the hours or the prospect of "responsibility," even though you know you're preparing for it. You're still learning, and a sheet of paper with red ink is infinitely safer and much more forgiving than experience and hindsight.
You follow?
I've lived most of my life knowing what I enjoy, and I've pursued that flippant feeling of happiness (even if unintentionally). Were I honest with you, and for those who know me, my general disposition is a mellow one. I'm not easily excitable (I don't think), a trait that has come in handy in my profession (the airlines). And even if I am excited...unless it crosses some sort of intangible threshold, it doesn't show. I look about as excited as a sloth relaxing in the sun...even though on the inside there's a 10 year old boy running around, anxious to see what's next.
But in the pursuit of that feeling, I've found nothing but failure. My life isn't what I hoped it would be 10 years ago. I'm almost 30. I haven't written the Book. I haven't recorded the Album. I haven't gotten the Girl. I haven't started the Family. And thanks to Facebook, that all encompassing, seeing eye, I get to see where I've fallen short compared to my peers. I'd like to think it's because I'm following in the footsteps God has laid out for me, but at times, I'm not so sure.
But I'm not complaining...honestly. Because I've learned that what is beautiful isn't always right.
The pictures in my head, the dreams, to me, are beautiful. But for now, for this season, they're not right for me. Should I still pursue writing and music and love and growth? Most definitely. But in just the last week, I've learned a very important lesson about myself: I focus too much on what I don't have...and not enough on what I do have.
And I've got a very beautiful friend to thank for that.
The story goes something like this: I met a girl six months ago and my heart leapt at the sight of her. She was wearing a red dress, smiling, and had the biggest blue eyes I had ever seen.
She also asked me about the guitar I was carrying. Score.
And then, over the next six months as I got to know her, all that beauty was seemingly diminished by who I thought she was.
When I was in school, they'd give us these comparison charts using intersecting circles. You know the ones I'm talking about?
They're also called Venn or set diagrams (thanks, Wikipedia).
For about the first five months, in my head, the circles of our Venn diagram were miles a part. They always say you have to have stuff in common for a relationship to work, right? Well, if our circles did intersect, it was only on a very basic level (we work for the same company...we breathe oxygen...we both still have 10 fingers and toes...you know...the basic stuff). But everything else "they" tell you you'll need in a relationship just wasn't there.
I could go into more detail, but the point is, deep down...I really liked this girl.
And deep down, she really annoyed the hell out of me.
And I know I annoyed the hell out of her, too.
And I know I annoyed the hell out of her, too.
Because of our differences, I could never see a relationship working out...even though there was, initially, something mutual there. And because I liked her so much, and because it conflicted with everything I wanted in a girl, I tried my hardest to put it off...to emphasize that I just wanted a friendship...to keep my heart as distant as possible so I didn't end up making some sort of mistake and find us 3 years down the road with intersecting knives in our skulls.
Seems to be the reoccurring theme in my life.
And then, about a week ago, something changed.
I was working out of a different city, assisting with the management of an airport going through a rough transition. I was going to have some time off over the weekend, so I invited her out for a visit. She had lived in the same city a few years ago, knew some friends she hadn't seen in awhile, and it was near the beach.
I know, right? Perfect setup.
And then, of course, everything went wrong. I won't bore you with all the details (there are pages of them), but all of our plans fell through. Her return flights overbooked, and we ended up making a last minute drive 600 miles back home so she could make it to work in time.
I think it was on that drive where everything changed. For 6 months, all I could see about this girl was everything she didn't have. All I could focus on was how she didn't fit inside the box I had created inside my head. I never really saw her for who she really is. And as those miles rolled by, as I thought back on the last 6 months and what I really knew about this girl, and as she sang and danced at the top of her lungs to cheesy country songs to keep herself awake...
...I realized that who she really is, outside of my own selfish expectations, is pretty amazing.
Who she is, is someone who makes me think outside the box. Who she is, is someone who won't put up with my bullshit. Who she is, is someone who loves to laugh and have a good time. She's not ashamed to be goofy. She's not afraid to sing at the top of her lungs off-key even if she doesn't remember all the words. She cares about the well-being of her friends. She loves her family and wants one of her own. She loves God and is faithful to her church. She's adventurous. She loves to travel. She doesn't like drama and she wants her friendships to last. She's creative and can come up with the craziest doodles at the drop of a hat. She loves conversation...even if it's about frozen grapes. She loves camping and the outdoors.
And who in their right mind wouldn't want to be a part of all that?
It took a crazy weekend and a random road trip for me to realize that I had been looking in the wrong place all along: at myself.
I know it's cliché, but God does work in mysterious, wonderful ways. I'd love to be able to tell you that I shared all this with her and that we're now pursuing a friggin' amazing relationship.
But we aren't.
I shared my feelings with her (most of them, anyway, but not as eloquently as above) and explained that if she wanted to pursue a relationship, I wanted to as well.
But she doesn't.
And you know what? That's alright. Because despite my revelation, we are still very different, very hard-headed people who might be better off as just friends. At the end of the day, I care more about her happiness...our mutual happiness...and our friendship than my loneliness.
And because, at the end of the day, what is right isn't always beautiful.
Not yet, at least.
But God is here faithfully finishing our stories. And though she and I may never be together, I know that our friendship, and this season, will serve to lead us in the direction we need to go.
Even if it isn't in the same direction.
So to her, I want to say thank you. And I'm sorry for judging you so quickly.
And to everyone else: don't get so caught up in what you think your life (and relationships) should look like and miss all the beauty that's actually there.
And then, about a week ago, something changed.
I was working out of a different city, assisting with the management of an airport going through a rough transition. I was going to have some time off over the weekend, so I invited her out for a visit. She had lived in the same city a few years ago, knew some friends she hadn't seen in awhile, and it was near the beach.
I know, right? Perfect setup.
And then, of course, everything went wrong. I won't bore you with all the details (there are pages of them), but all of our plans fell through. Her return flights overbooked, and we ended up making a last minute drive 600 miles back home so she could make it to work in time.
I think it was on that drive where everything changed. For 6 months, all I could see about this girl was everything she didn't have. All I could focus on was how she didn't fit inside the box I had created inside my head. I never really saw her for who she really is. And as those miles rolled by, as I thought back on the last 6 months and what I really knew about this girl, and as she sang and danced at the top of her lungs to cheesy country songs to keep herself awake...
...I realized that who she really is, outside of my own selfish expectations, is pretty amazing.
Who she is, is someone who makes me think outside the box. Who she is, is someone who won't put up with my bullshit. Who she is, is someone who loves to laugh and have a good time. She's not ashamed to be goofy. She's not afraid to sing at the top of her lungs off-key even if she doesn't remember all the words. She cares about the well-being of her friends. She loves her family and wants one of her own. She loves God and is faithful to her church. She's adventurous. She loves to travel. She doesn't like drama and she wants her friendships to last. She's creative and can come up with the craziest doodles at the drop of a hat. She loves conversation...even if it's about frozen grapes. She loves camping and the outdoors.
And who in their right mind wouldn't want to be a part of all that?
It took a crazy weekend and a random road trip for me to realize that I had been looking in the wrong place all along: at myself.
I know it's cliché, but God does work in mysterious, wonderful ways. I'd love to be able to tell you that I shared all this with her and that we're now pursuing a friggin' amazing relationship.
But we aren't.
I shared my feelings with her (most of them, anyway, but not as eloquently as above) and explained that if she wanted to pursue a relationship, I wanted to as well.
But she doesn't.
And you know what? That's alright. Because despite my revelation, we are still very different, very hard-headed people who might be better off as just friends. At the end of the day, I care more about her happiness...our mutual happiness...and our friendship than my loneliness.
And because, at the end of the day, what is right isn't always beautiful.
Not yet, at least.
But God is here faithfully finishing our stories. And though she and I may never be together, I know that our friendship, and this season, will serve to lead us in the direction we need to go.
Even if it isn't in the same direction.
So to her, I want to say thank you. And I'm sorry for judging you so quickly.
And to everyone else: don't get so caught up in what you think your life (and relationships) should look like and miss all the beauty that's actually there.
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