Dear Anonymous Reader,
It's easy to talk about imagination.
It's even easier to imaginate...as it were.
It's so easy, in fact, that I'm doing it right now.
(now scroll fancy pictures of an Oregon coast, a fast car, a ranch full of trees and rivers, and some girl that actually enjoys putting up with my nonsense who I call my wife)
Then imagine none of that being good enough for no reason at all.
Finding myself lost on the tail end of summer isn't anything new. It's quite easy, in fact. So simple, that if you were to ask me how I felt at any particular moment, you'd be bound to a chair amidst dull conversation about the size of the universe and how God seems to enjoy watching us try to "figure it all out."
And then I'd tell you how much I enjoy pizza.
Of all the things to worry about, my lack of direction isn't one of them.
Really.
I have enough sense to know that with a year of school left, I have no need to worry about what's after that. Some might find it a foolish conclusion.
"You need a plan!" most yell from the scaffolding above my apartment.
Well no crap, Sherlock. I've got a plan.
However, I'm fully away that a year from now, that plan will most likely look a little bit (or a lotta bit) different.
Why?
Because every year before, it always has been.
It's not to say I'm flippant or unsure of myself. It's just to say that I'm unsure and flippant about who I think I am, what I think I want, and where I believe God is taking me.
Roughly five years ago (my insincere apologies to all unbelievers and general "religion is ridiculous" nay sayers out there) God, after years of "searching," gave me a couple of simple, fairly straight forward directions.
"Finish school," was the first. The second isn't really important to anyone else, but it had nothing to do with women, children, a car, Oregon, or even the songs I so desperately thought should have made me famous by now (not that those aren't important, but there's nothing worse than a big head itching for fame).
So for the last 5 years, I've been doing just that: school. I take my time with it, obviously, since I've been going off and on for about 7 years now, but I guess I'm not in as much a rush as most everyone else. I don't have this vision of a career with kids and a wife and a house and a car and a dog that loves to jump when I come home and a perpetual Christmas with family.
Although I do enjoy the idea of it all.
Truthfully, I'm just sitting here watching an entertaining car show, enjoying how goofy things look from a couch and two spread out bottles of beer (yup, I enjoy a drink or two now and then).
I never thought, 5 years ago, that I'd be in the position I'm in. Single, still unsure of a definite career direction (sorry dad), and more interested in the circumference of the universe than how I'm going to retire well off enough to own a boat, a plane, annnnd a nice house with horses and mountains in the background (cause Lord knows that's what I think I want at this point).
In the end, and maybe this is what's most important, I just want to know, and then do, what He wants me to.
And you know what? I suck at it.
Like anyone else, Paul especially, I can't do the simplest things. Don't lie, don't lust, don't be prideful, feed the hungry, visit the orphans and widows, pray without ceasing, etc. etc. etc.
So many natural guidelines that should flow from love of a Creator...but I suck at following even the simplest one.
I mean truthfully, at the end of the day, I many times wonder why I bother. What does it matter? I'm some finite human being. Christianity these days seems to be more egotistical than a harmonious picture of what the Body of Christ should look like. It's all about me, me, and me and does God show Himself in enough convincing ways to be believable or is He just...outdated?
I digress.
God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble.” Psalm 46:1
The verse of the day. Shows up every evening around 11pm, and I find it one of the very few things worth posting on Facebook. Most get lost in Mankind's assumption of what an all-powerful, creative deity should be and do. Our parameters fill books and libraries and tired minds until no one understands what the fuss is all about anymore.
It's just that, after so long, what's been presented just isn't good enough.
And that seems to be my own problem these days. I'm stuck in the rut that nothing's good enough. The girls, the cars, the society, the careers, the writing, the songs, the dreams...
...none of it, even the idea of it, is good enough.
And you know what? None of it is.
But He is.
His Grace, whether you believe it or not, IS good enough, and it makes all the other things He sets before me good enough.
I'm not good enough for anything, really. I can kind of carry a tune, but only so much. I'm not as compassionate as I'd like to think. And I can't cook to save my life.
But His sacrifice...that wasn't only good enough...that was enough.
The proverbial definition of true fulfillment.
And even though, in the midst of life, doubt, death, struggle, success, and almost certain confusion, His grace will always be good enough.
You don't have to believe it for it to be true, or effective, it just is.
And at the end of the day, regardless of where it began, I hope it can end with the knowledge that He is our strength, and He is our very present (not distant) help when we need it most.
And most importantly...to me, anyway, He is our refuge. When all other protection falls away, He remains...felt or not...a hedge over all other things dark and dangerous. And even though I may wander, He values me enough to leave the 99 to bring me back.
To hoist me over His shoulders.
To even break my leg when I can't seem to get it right.
To love me enough to cause me pain for a bigger picture and purpose I cannot see nor understand at this finite point in history.
Even unto death...for what is death but just a door I just can't see behind? Too simple? Maybe.
I imagine a lot of things, but His love isn't one of them. Regardless of what you believe, the one thing I can share with any sense of certainty is that when I'm at the end of whatever rope I'm holding, when belief has long fled from my mind and heart, He's still there watching over everything great, terrible, beautiful, and small...
...and in it all is His purpose.
Sincerely,
-Sean
